“I am not in control.” This is such a scary realization for a leader, that we often reject it outright. When you have spent a significant part of your life leading yourself and others, it is unnatural to not take charge, have work to do or possess options.
It is difficult to face a situation with the capacity to consistently surprise you. You can’t define, analyze or box it. And you can’t rest because you don’t know what’s around the corner, so you’re permanently on edge. The pressure becomes so intense that it’s all you can do not to freak out. You maintain an outward calm but wear the tension between your shoulder blades. Suffice to say, sleep is not something you’re getting enough of or even food.
The worst thing about not being in control is the lack of a timeframe for a resolution. You don’t know if you are moving forward or standing still; If it will take months or years. Money can’t help you. People can only try to. Ultimately, only the Most High can save you.
God’s ways are now even so strange, that his method of helping could be to tell you to focus on something else entirely. You may be dealing with cancer and are told to do gardening for 3 months. This would leave you wondering what one has to do with the other. It’s quite distressing.
Yesterday, I Woke Up Feeling Trapped.
I wanted to do something, anything about my situation but I could not. I have to wait and I need to trust God while resisting fear. For fearfulness makes things worse. It further destroys what is already breaking.
There’s also the futile attempt to maintain an illusion of control. It’s a form of false positivity where you are just waiting for the problem to go away, so you can go back to your normal life. You even contemplate giving up or running away so you can close the door on this pending chapter.
But, problems are meant to teach us something. We must learn it, whether quickly or slowly.
Lately, I find myself fasting. It’s not a lifestyle and I’m not trying to twist God’s arm. I’ve never believed God would answer my prayer faster because I fasted. I’m doing so because it is a way to communicate my humiliation. I am humbling myself by myself. Fasting also quietens my excess emotions, so instead of freaking out, I can calm down a little.
“I am not in control.”
Then Came the Plague of Questions
How do I rest in this place? Maintain faith and praise? Escape anxiety and worry? But I must, for faith is required to claim the promises God gave me. Such wondrous commitments that I could scarcely believe them. Unbelief and fear will just delay their manifestation.
Reading God’s word and re-reading his declarations help me, for I am reminded he cannot lie. I am also trying to do what is in front of me every day and not borrow tomorrow’s problems. I let my friends support me because I am always exhausted now.
Finally, deep breathing helps me to avoid panic. I don’t want to take the wrong decisions simply because I want to move forward by force.
My situation is what it is. A friend said that many months from now, we’ll laugh over it. I sincerely look forward to that.
Thank you for reading.
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