I am in my forties.
I would never have imagined doing life alone. But aloneness doesn’t alarm me. The right amount of solitude and space is fuel for my introverted nature. What gets to me are mental loneliness and the weight of each day relentlessly pressing down on me.
A few days ago, my anxiety started spiking and I tried to find the trigger; the cause. It turned out that my soul was deeply resenting responsibility and the fact that I bear it alone. I am responsible for tasks I do not enjoy. I’m like a student who has to solve math problems everyday when they dislike math. And they know there’s no shortcut. They must do at least 5 years of math to get to University.
Another constant trigger is how frequently I butt against unkind power in Nigeria. It’s everywhere. I can’t hide from it. It’s on the road, in offices, in government and in religious institutions. It’s a culture that is so insidious, it seeps into every institution and structure.
Maintaining a core that is good and kind is emotionally tiring. Finding allies is tedious. Too much focus is given to money, power & sectarianism in this country, while limited attention is placed on humanity and individual progress. Like Lot, one is vexed in one’s country. “Plan B” gives scant comfort as it cannot fully capture everyone I love.
Children are lucky. They are so carefree. Parents do the hard lifting and their job is to learn, play, live and grow. If they make mistakes, they simply run to mummy or daddy. And so, when I feel anxious, I really miss my mom. I remember I can’t just drive to Magodo for a hug, prayer and free food.
As an adult who lives alone and as a CEO, there’s only so much I can delegate. I have ultimate responsibility for the good and the bad. I can’t just leave things and hope for the best. Invariably, I will have to clean up the mess.
So, I have taken a conscious decision to transfer the weight to God. It’s not like there’s any one else to give it to sha 🙂
When I feel overwhelmed by mindless activity, I will stop and pray. I will pray in the spirit and in my understanding. When I’m not even sure what is “doing me”, I will ask God for unqualified help. I will take my mind away from the lack of progress on the things that matter to me, as well as the soporific tasks that I hate. Instead, I will centre my thoughts on God. I will seek meaning and purpose in him. That’s the only way I can cope.
I also choose to view responsibility as a gift. No one entrusts what is important and essential to an irresponsible soul. They trust me because I am a solutions provider. I am a leader and I am effective. Therefore, I see responsibility as the compliment that it is. It means I am relevant.
Responsibility is training for my future. It is pruning me and toughening me up for greatness. And so, I cannot resent it.
For more, please read Scandal!