A 2023 report by the US Surgeon General describes loneliness (the feeling of being alone) as an “epidemic” and a serious public health concern. According to Vivek H. Murthy, loneliness is more than just a bad feeling, it is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death.
The global increase in loneliness is of concern too. The World Health Organization (WHO) states that up to 1 in 3 people globally report feeling chronically lonely.
Whether you attribute the cause of loneliness to growing urbanization, COVID-19 lockdowns or incessant device use, a large swath of people now feel lonely. In particular, young adults are likely to report feeling lonely 2x more than those over 65 years old.
Humans as Social Animals
Aristotle describes humans as social animals. With the exception of those who choose to be hermits, people typically live in concentric circles of community. The circles extend from the immediate family, and can go as far as a village or city.
The more of those spheres that people interact with every day, the less lonely they feel.
Levels of Connectedness
There are four ways that I envision how people connect to their communities:
- Seen
- Relevant
- Cared For
- Doing Life With
Does Someone See You?
The first level of connectedness is when someone acknowledges your presence at least once a week.
They may not know you by name but you get a nod of greeting when you pass by or sometimes they stop to talk briefly about the weather.
You might find this type of connection between neighbors or in a grocery store. It’s a moment that affirms you exist.
If you live in an apartment complex, you get this in gyms or at the dog park (since some pets are walked daily). Asking a dog lover for the name or breed of their furry companion is enough to spark a conversation.
Should an enquiry take you to the leasing office or you pass by the staff daily, learning their names and saying hello while holding their gaze will ensure you are seen (and vice versa).
Are You Relevant?
There’s something I call, “The Village Phenomenon.” If you grow up in a small village, everyone tends to know your name, even though they may not all be your friends.
You play a role in the community and have a defined place, so this is a deeper level of connectedness.
This type of connection is also experienced at work, where your contributions are regularly acknowledged by others and rewarded. And it’s the same feeling you get when you’re volunteering with people who share a common goal.
Many find their highest levels of relevance while serving in the military, providing for their family or volunteering for a cause.
Does Anyone Care For You?
You know those friends you don’t see regularly, but who show up when you need them? That’s a form of connection too.
They may not know your daily thoughts, struggles or challenges. And, they might be the last to hear your news. But once you place a demand on them, they show up to do their duty.
We all need people like this in our lives. They are the rescuers who get us out of a jam with a phone call, the comforters who visit us in the hospital, and the borrowers who lend us their last dollar in an emergency.
You should always have a community of people with innate capacity, lest you be the one carrying everyone else’s burden in your lifetime while no one carries yours.
Whom are You Doing Life With?
When many folks say they are lonely, it is the absence of this last level of community that they are referring to.
“Doing life” means you are in an ongoing conversation with at least one person. If you’re blessed, you may have a small group of friends or family who become your tribe.
These are the people who ask how your day went, or what’s happening in your life, and then stop to listen.
When you’re doing life with people, they safeguard the most precious parts of your story and you know their secrets too. You also accept the vulnerability that comes with it.
Close friends gladly defer to each other’s competences and roles are naturally assigned. Someone’s the life of the party. Another is the responsible one who organizes all the trips.
Perhaps, the greatest indicator of this close form of connection is, members of a tribe don’t plan things individually. They consult and factor in one another.
They plan around each other’s birthdays leaving the dates free for meet ups. If they have a trip planned, they check in to see who else wants to come.
Making a big life decision means a prior consultation to get perspectives and opinions. Each person really cares what the tribe thinks and knows everyone has their back, no matter the outcome.
How Can You Build Connection?
Serendipity is involved in building friendships or a tribe. But you can kickstart things. Here are three prescriptions:
- Show up somewhere in person at least once a week. This could be a class, a volunteer job or the grocery store. Learn and memorize the names of those you meet. And then any time you go to those places, greet people by name and ask a specific question or pay a particular compliment.
- If you get invited for dinner, drinks, or an event, accept. And if you’re like me and it’s allowed, go with an extroverted friend to keep the conversation going.
- Volunteer for something you care about to get your “relevance fix.” Choose something you enjoy or you won’t leave the house for it.
- Ask for help. Pray about your desire for connection. Get people to introduce you to others they think you’ll click with.
In conclusion, while connection takes time, companionship is the starting point and should be your immediate goal. Grabbing a no-pressure coffee or attending a group event is fine for starters. Go for it.
Thank you.
For related content, please read Two-Faced Loneliness Monster